For thirty years, Johnston had arrived at work at 9 AM on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnston showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
Nearly killed myself. The old blacksmith realized he would have to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.
Funny HR Stories
The old fellow was loud-mouthed and exacting. A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. Week 1 — Memo No. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice. Week 3 — Memo No. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Week 6 — Memo No. Week 8 — Memo No. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
List of the 50 Funniest Jokes to make you laugh out loud
Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her. This joke may contain profanity. I got called into human resources today because of a couple of incidents and was asked if I knew the difference between left and right wing. Outraged, I told them to fuck off as my politics was my business! They still fired me though Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology: "And what starting salary are you looking for?
He picks up the first 20 of them and throws them into the bin, saying "Those guys have bad luck and we have no use for people with bad luck". How do you want their placements, sir? Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity I've always preferred management over human resources I guess that's just a personnel preference.
A Halloween joke? A homeless man named Sturgis was walking down to his town's Human Resources to apply for housing assisstance. When he gets there, he sees some strange creatures in line ahead of him. Among them was your typi Apparently, when you supply Human Resources with a urine sample How many businessmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Another within the contracted business to buy electrical accident insurance. Another to manage the stock price. Another to organize supply chains of bulbs. Another to deal with inspectors. Another to deal with human resources. Another to schedule jobs. If you're lucky, your b Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by ! Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were discussing which of them belonged to the oldest of the three professions they represented. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine. One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!! NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean. Yours truly, Manager. A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing.
Three months down the road there is major drama in the office and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
The manager quickly opens the second envelope. Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope.An HR manager was knocked down tragically by a bus and was killed.
Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually rather nice and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell.
Peter returned. I choose Hell. Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.
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Teaching Vacancies.If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a pay rise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.Ops, it's Human Resources
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ' A' will go from toemployees whose names begin with ' B' will go from to and so on.
If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the ' trap' door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ' Chronic Offenders' category. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
A big steel company was feeling it was time for a shakeup so they hired a new head of human resources. Well, the new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
101 Funny Work Jokes to Get You Through the Day
On a tour of the facilities, this HR supremo noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business; so he asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week? The Human Resources boss said, "Wait right here. Feeling pretty good about himself, the new boss looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth. PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - enclosed is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb. Dreading another boring company meeting? Don't despair, have some fun with it! Make it more exciting and memorable by trying some of these Ways to Liven Up a Meeting:. Occasionally turn to the person next to you and twirl your index finger around your ear as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. Include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect.During one of my recent keynote speeches, a member of the audience asked me to share the funniest or most unusual story about Human Resources management I had ever heard in my 35 years as management consultant. I included one below, but I thought it would be fun to invite my newsletter subscribers to share their funny HR stories.
I was doing employee survey feedback sessions for a company in Michigan and I met with the third shift of the manufacturing operation who scored very, very, low on the Human Resources Policy survey dimension. Three hours later she returned to the grave shift pun intended. Upon her return, she announced the great news that it was not a heart attack, but simply indigestion. Despite all that, her supervisor, who by the way, actually helped carry Cheryl to the ambulance, wrote her up for an unexcused absence.
The culture instilled and created by HR, was high performing teams.
This resulted in employees having pride in all their jobs no matter what position they held. One of our employees attended a fundamental, Pentecostal church and experienced a religious conversion. So of course, being reborn, she wanted to share her beliefs with everyone. This resulted in a group of employees attending the Pentecostal worship.
The employees started to brag during lunch who had stronger gifts bestowed upon them by God. One woman claimed vehemently she could sense evil in people. Wait, this gets better.
She put her hands on a machine to sense if the operator had evil intent in performing their tasks. She knelt down next to the machine to pray. So the group started praying and chanting on the manufacturing floor.
Non-Pentecostals thought that the group cursed the machinery and wanted an exorcism to rid the floor of bad karma. One half of the floor was on their knees while the other half was huddled together in fear.
I was called. The supervisors froze. I entered the second floor manufacturing operation and asked if the religious group could come in my office. I attempted to explain how although it may seem honorable to witness their faith, it could not be done at the work place.Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?
Are you kidding? Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda pressing. How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff.
He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?
License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down? Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing? I think you need to take the day off. I can't work in the dark. A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money. A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself.
After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened? A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?